Cluster! –OR– No spoons for me, thank you.

Have you ever seen the cult movie classic The Evil Dead 3: Army of Darkness? This will make a lot more sense if you have. You’ll be fine if you haven’t, but there will definitely be a missing dimension. Ok. Let’s get on with it.

I started to get sleepy around I don’t know what time and immediately went to bed. I learned a long time ago that I need to take advantage of feeling tired when it strikes. I woke up somewhere around 3 AM with a cluster headache that was quickly turning into a migraine.

This particular cluster headache was centered in my left eye. I put my hand out, grabbed the bottle of 800 MG ibuprofen, fumbled with the damn safety cap (it should be against the law to give those to people with fibro, arthritis, etc.), and gobbled down a pill. Then I lay there and waited.

I am, in case you have not yet noticed, a very weird individual. I’ve always been this way, but I think it’s just getting more intense as I age. I fully intend to be one of those batty old ladies who f’s with people just because she can get away with it. I promise, I will only use my powers for good. I’m not trying to make anyone mad angry. It helps to have a goal. Once again, I digress.

I do weird things when I’m in pain. For instance, when my muscles and joints ache, I sometimes envision it as a physical thing that has glommed on to the hurty parts. Then I visualize/mime pulling it off. It stretches out, like a leech, until it finally snaps! Then I flick it away disdainfully. I will mime this over and over until I get sick of it. It doesn’t really stop the pain, but it keeps me occupied and gives me the illusion of having some control over it.

I told you: I’m weird.

When I have headaches, especially cluster headaches, I imagine that the little Bad Ashes from Army of Darkness are tormenting me.

Little Bad Ashes

Last night they were gathered around my left eye, poking at it with their spoons. It’s always the spoons with those guys. That’s why spoon theory sounds awful to me, even if it is so helpful to others. Anyway…

The little Bad Ashes (I have to keep saying “little” because there is a “Big” Bad Ash. Everyone calls him “Evil” Ash, though. Seems like a missed opportunity to me) were poking my eye, trying to find a way to get their spoons under it so they could scoop it out. They really want to get one of my eyes. Maybe it’s to replace the one that lady in the second movie swallowed? I don’t know.

I try flicking the Ashes off of my face, but they are quick little devils, and they move around a lot. Fortunately, after a while the ibuprofen and the caffeine I chase it with does start to help and they shuffle off begrudgingly. Also, I now have something to write about. Everybody wins, except the little Bad Ashes. Maybe someday they’ll make off with an eye and go away for good. And they can take their bloody spoons with them.