Punt

Tonight I had to admit to my husband that I made a mistake. It’s taken me a bit of time to admit it to myself. I’m not sure which was harder.

I stupidly, stupidly went off my meds.

Mentally I was feeling good–better than I have in a long time. With a lot of help I found a new place, and we didn’t have to be on the streets. I’m not sure if I could have done that with or without all of the help I was so fortunate to receive if I hadn’t been mentally stable. But all the old pains crept back up on me. There were days when it hurt just to move. Every joint in my body ached, and I thought, “Why am I still taking these meds? They aren’t helping me anymore.” You see, I kept forgetting to take them, and I would have to “catch up”, and it seemed to me that there was really no difference between Jennifer on meds and Jennifer off meds, but I was wrong.

The truth is I just plain hate taking pills. I have always avoided doing so, and then suddenly I had to take three of the miserable little things every single day, and no one could tell me how long I would need to do so. Whenever I asked the answer was always basically, “Well, it won’t hurt you to take them, so you might as well take them.” But, because I have witnessed my husband’s experience with doctors and pills and band-aid “solutions” for the last 9 1/2 years, I’m calling bullshit. There are no “solutions” for people who hurt all the time. It’s just this pill or that pill and “So sorry. We have no idea what’s wrong with you. Let’s just punt and call it fibromyalgia.” Aaaand fibromyalgia isn’t a disease, it’s a syndrome. Depression is one of the myriad ailments associated with fibromyalgia. Aaaand since we don’t understand what the underlying physical cause of the rather specific list of ailments associated with the syndrome is, we might as well jump to the conclusion that the pain the fibromyalgia patient suffers is actually psychologically based. In other words, it’s ALL in your head.

All bitterness aside, I concede that my brain is somehow defective. Not enough serotonin or something. I guess. I mean, that’s the hypothesis, anyway. Right? Because as far as I’m aware, no one has actually done anything to find out if I am actually lacking for serotonin, rather they assume that is the case. But I am not a doctor. I am just a patient, and I should not ask questions. Good patients just shut up and do what they’re told.

abby-normal

 

I had to get a new doctor. My PCP sold his practice and went to work for the new boss man. They don’t take my insurance. So, I found a new PCP, and I expressed my concerns about the Cymbalta, and she suggested a change in my prescription. I’d already been off my meds for about a week. She said, “I can put you on a different medication if you like. It’s as old as the hills. They’ve been using it for years. If that’s what you want, I have no problem writing the scrip.” So I said, “Sure. Why not. Let’s do that then.” I knew, at that point, that there weren’t going to be any actual answers, no honest provision of information.

I’m doing a seriously shitty job of explaining myself. I’m sorry. I’m trying.

So, now I’m taking amitatrypta-whatever the hell it is and a muscle relaxer every night.

It’s kind of funny about the muscle relaxer. Every single doctor I have seen in the last 25+ years who has ever taken the time to lay their hands on my back has made the same “ooooh!” noise. When this one did it, I made the noise at the same time she did, with the same exact inflection and tone, in my head. I keep telling them that my headaches and the pains in my back stem from something going on in my neck, and they all agree with me, but…

Look, muscle relaxers don’t work. Muscle relaxers knock me OUT. I sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep some more. I suppose if you count the fact that I am not conscious of the pain when I’m knocked out, well then, sure. They work. “Well, if they knock you out, just cut them in half!” Yeah. I do that. They still knock me out. I don’t know why. I wish I did. And I wish that they actually had some effect on whatever the hell is wrong with my neck, but I’ve been taking the damn things for almost two weeks, and all that has happened is that I have managed to sleep way too many days away.

I did get a referral for a rheumatologist. The soonest they can get me in is January.

Mentally, I’m sliding again. I should have stuck with the Cymbalta. I should have let them increase my dosage and accepted the fact that I will probably have to take meds for the rest of my effin life because there are no solutions. But no. I am a stubborn fool. I hurt less, but I am … “inert”. And this is NOT the time for me to be inert. It’s not. I have to go Dallas in a few days for my training, and then I will begin my year of service, and I need to be mentally ready for this. But I’m not. And I’m scared. I know what is happening to me, because I’ve been here before. I’m trying to stay rational, and I’m trying not to fall back into the pit. I’m looking up, looking for something to grab, something that will help me climb back up toward the light and the air.

meh. It isn’t easy to tell you all of this, and I know I haven’t told it very well, but I thought you deserved to hear the truth.

I wish I could be the person you could go to when you’re feeling down. I wish I could make you smile. I used to be that person, once upon a time. I miss her. But these days I’m a real downer, and I don’t want to subject you to that.

I’m going to keep taking the new meds for a couple of weeks. It may be that I just need to give them time to fix my defective brain. If there’s no improvement I’ll see if I can get back on the Cymbalta. I’ll keep you posted, but I…

Look, I don’t want to keep giving you all the blow by blow details of my depression. I don’t want to be Moaning Myrtle. You know?

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I love you all. I really do.

All My Love,
Jennifer

 

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20 thoughts on “Punt

  1. I hope these new meds work out for you. I think it always takes a little while for the body to adjust to new medication. Otherwise I guess you can always talk to your doctor about going back on the ones you were on before.
    Take care.

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  2. I’ve been on the same meds for 26 years. On the occasions I’ve missed or forgot to take them, bad things generally happen; so, my heart goes out to you. It’s an easy mistake to make.

    The problem (for me, least) is that I experience the world through the prism of my feelings — when I feel good, everything is great and who needs meds; when I feel bad, everything sucks and what point is there in taking meds. So my own mind (at least) works against me, and I have to take meds, mechanically, without justifying it every time, because my emotions hate me.

    I hope you feel better soon. Peace.

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    • Yes. Exactly! All of that plus the fact that I try so hard to control my emotions rather than let them control me. Sometimes it just makes it worse.

      Thank you. It’s good and helpful just to be heard and understood.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s all a cycle honey, sometimes you’re in a position to give help at other times you have to accept it. People who worry they’re a downer rarely are; they just try so damn hard to hide the pain they don’t get a chance to.
    Last thought: Remember, your Dr works for you, if you think you’re better off on the first set of medication tell her that’s what you want/need. take care now
    Dean

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    • Thank you, Dean. I think it’s too soon to ask for a change because of the way these meds work. It’s a gradual build up, and it may be that it’s just going to take time. The rational side of my brain understands this, but the emotional side is having a fit. If there’s no improvement in a month, then I will definitely have the doctor switch me back.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. You have my love. Cymbalta is a shit of a thing to be on, but the withdrawals are downright brutal. I hope at the very least the Amitryptaline doesn’t pull the same shit on you that it did on me – constant fidgeting, itching and irritability. Relaxant my left nut.

    On a plus side, I found your blog. It turns out that when I hit ‘subscribe’ on something, WordPress makes the decision for me whether I /actually/ want to get updates about your blog in my inbox. I was wondering why yours was missing from my feed and why I haven’t had an update from you in a while and, lo and behold, shenanigans!

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    • WP has been playing the same kind of crap on me. Annoying, isn’t it? I am glad you found me!

      I haven’t had any trouble with fidgeting or itching, but I am irritable. I feel like I did before I started Cymbalta: dissatisfied, unmotivated, wondering what the effin point is. I assumed it was due to stopping my meds altogether and needing to build back up. I didn’t realize that it *might* be a side effect of the amitryptaline. It’s good information, and I so appreciate you sharing it! I’ll keep an eye on me and let Tom know, too, just in case.

      Thank you, Abi! I’m so glad you’re here. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re generally looking at anywhere up to a month for your body to settle in with the new meds, and yeah, Amitryptaline caused so much havoc with me that I actually had ask my GP to switch me to something else. I was mega shitty, moody, restless and snappy. You’re going through a rough time with it all so it’s natural that your mood is going to reflect this, but I do agree that it’s worth keeping the Amitryptaline in mind โค

        I'm glad I worked out why your stuff wasn't showing. It was actually because I hadn't seen your stuff that I was getting a little worried and went looking and found out why it all went to butts on the WP settings. You're stuck with me for a while yet ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m here for you, Jennifer, to listen because I want to. Take what you need to take. Get to Dallas to train. It’s important. Don’t be afraid to let it all out to your husband and your new doctor, right? You’ll be better for letting it out and not holding it in, I think. My notification let me know you posted. Yay, this time!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know, there are times when Tom and I drive each other bonkers, but when it comes right down to it, my husband never judges. He is always supportive and loving, and I know just how lucky I am to have him in my life.

      I leave for Dallas very ear-lie in the morning on Tuesday. I’m going through with it no matter what. I just wish I had been smarter about my meds. I’d be in a much better “head-space” than I am at the moment. As it is, it’s going to be a “grin and bear it” situation until either A) the amitriptyline builds up in my system enough to be effective or B) I switch back to Cymbalta.

      In a way, I guess this was all for the best. At least now I am in a place where I accept that I will likely have to take meds for the rest of my life, a prospect I was stubbornly fighting against before.

      It’s good to see you, Mark. It’s been good to see everyone, and knowing I am not a “burden” was much needed and more appreciated than I can say. โค

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      • You go out there and do the best you can, Jennifer.

        The meds will kick in soon, and you will level off. That’s how it must be. You are accepting it. It sucks, but it is. I take six meds a day for different ills, sugar, BP, cholestoral … I know they make me feel differerent but I gotta.

        Hey, would any of us ever, ever consider you a burden? Really? Puh-lease! There’s no us without you.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Hugs. It’s hard to know what to do about the things that kill us slowly over time. I’m not going to give you advice. I have my own depression issues that make me quite ill suited for that role. So… I’ll just give you another hug because you’re awesome and I’ve missed your blogging exploits. Give your hubby a hug from me too. It’ll confuse the hell out of him. ๐Ÿ˜›

    Liked by 1 person

Lay it on me.

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