I am awake again. (TRIGGER WARNING: Proceed with caution, my loves.)

 

I remember now.

This is the bad time. It is the scary time. It is not a time for sleeping.

When I was 16 years old I:

  • worked 35 hours a week
  • was on the track team
  • was in the Drama club
  • maintained an A average

I wasn’t:

  • saving up for a big purchase
  • a jock
  • Little Miss School Spirit
  • an overachiever

I just never wanted to be here:

Shithole in NJ

Shithole in NJ

Back then the front porch wasn’t screened. There is a window on the house behind that tree on the right. It is the one I climbed out of so many times. I wasn’t sneaking out to go party with friends. I was trying to run away.

It was futile. The cops would pick me up, take me to the station, lecture me about how good I had it, about how I should be grateful. Then they would come and pick me up and bring me back.

See, I never had my own room until I was 15 years old. That was when my sister moved out and got married. That’s when it started.

Middle of the night. Everyone in bed. The dog sleeping in my room. He came creeping up the stairs (he and my mother made their bedroom in the finished basement). No lights. The door would open slowly in the dark, and he would come in. Give the dog a treat. Sit on the edge of my bed. Slowly he’d start to pull the covers down off of me.

Me: so scared. Can’t believe this is happening. This is disgusting. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?

Pretend to be asleep. Roll over. Pull covers up.

He leaves.

Night after night. So scared. So tired.

Just don’t fall asleep. Don’t. Just don’t.

Wake up.

Oh, god. NO.

Pretend to be asleep.
Roll over.
Pull covers up.

 

This is the bad time. It is the scary time. It is not a time for sleeping.

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6 thoughts on “I am awake again. (TRIGGER WARNING: Proceed with caution, my loves.)

  1. :-/
    Hugs. Yours for the taking if you want them.
    Otherwise… so many conflicting emotions. Anger – I want to rail against those who hurt you. Fear – I will never sleep again. Sadness – How could family do that to itself? Confusion – I don’t have the right words…

    Like

Lay it on me.

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