Thank you all for the birthday wishes and the warm words. I hope you’ll stick with me even if I am incapable of being as responsive as I would like to be. And to DJ and Abbie: Happy belated Birthday to both of you.
It is not quite 3:30 AM, and I am once again not sleeping. (I mean, I know I can write poetry in my sleep and all, but I can’t POST it. Really. What are you guys thinking? Sheesh.)
I was supposed to have a therapy session Friday, but it was cancelled a couple of hours before I was due to leave. It was disappointing. I didn’t think it was that big of deal, though. Until now.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this unstable in my life, and that’s saying something.
I’m having a hard time writing this part. I keep deleting what I’ve written and starting over.
I am obviously in full-blown batshit crazy mode. I don’t know how long I’m going to be like this. I feel like my whole world–everything I ever believed or thought or thought I believed–is unraveling, and all I really want to do is regress. I want to be like a little kid, but THIS time I want someone to take care of me.
I want someone else to be responsible. I want someone else to make the decisions.
No shit. You’ve been “checked out” for some time.
I wanted my husband to “take over”, but he can’t. He can’t be my substitute parent, and it is terribly unfair of me to expect that of him.
Yes, Princess. It is.
Does the fact that I was completely blind to the motivation behind my behavior mitigate it in any way?
Nah. You’re still an asshole.
Knowing only goes so far, anyway. It doesn’t magically fix everything. I wish it did.
Damn, I miss sex.
I hate this. I hate everything about this. I don’t want to go through this. The only thing keeping me going at this point is blind faith in the idea that there is an other side on which to come out.
That’s pretty funny talk for an atheist.
I know, right?