Nobody’s Fault But Mine

I wanted to come back and tell you all how things went yesterday, but I found myself utterly exhausted. I still am, but life waits for no woman, so… Good Morning!

The initial findings from my intake indicate that I am not likely to be bipolar. (Like how I made that sound almost official-like?) I am, as we already knew, depressed, and this may be causing me to have some bipolar-like symptoms. I’m not entirely sure what that has to do with my medications, but I have a follow-up appointment on Tuesday to help tweak them, so that’s ok, then. Right?

The clinician I spoke with for over an hour is of the opinion that I have unresolved trauma from my childhood/teen years that may be contributing to my widespread pain issues.

*sigh* I am trying to be positive about this because it means that therapy may resolve some of the physical pain, but it is hard not to feel bitter that all those doctors who shrugged their shoulders at me and insinuated that it was all in my head were right. Bastards.

Anyway, she recommended two courses of group therapy. The first is a “mindfulness” group that meets once a week for eight weeks and focuses on being present in the moment as opposed to obsessing over past or future. The second is a trauma group.

I have decided, for now, to participate in the first group but not the second. I would prefer to have individual therapy regarding the trauma before I try to deal with it in a group setting. That’s just what feels right to me, and I’m going to listen to myself on this one. I can’t start individual therapy just yet but hope to do so within the next few weeks.

I should continue to write stories and make art because these things make me happy. I was going to do that anyway so HA! My goal is to learn how to take care of myself.

I’m trying not to be snarky about all of this. I do understand that this is all important stuff. I’m just kind of mad at myself. I let myself think that I’d worked through it all, that I was good. How did I get to be 43 years old and not know how to take care of myself? I think I managed it by focusing so hard on taking care of everyone and everything else until I faded away into the background., and now I’m bitter about it. But who else do I have to blame?

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8 thoughts on “Nobody’s Fault But Mine

  1. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Maybe you’re just at a place now where your mind and body are ready to deal with it. We’ve learned to shove it down and go numb to survive. You and I are the same age. 🙂

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  2. Your group “mindfulness” therapy sounds like it’s probably based in part on DBT, and that’s a really good thing. I did a year of it and it helped me more than I have words to tell you all about it. You’re right, do what feels right when it comes to the direction you take with your care. The important thing is that you’ve started. YAY YOU!

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Lay it on me.

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