At least my head isn’t Yoda shaped.


I am now home from the doctor. Once again I have high inflammation throughout my body and high sedimentation. Everything else: rhuematoid factor, celiac disease panel, antibodies was normal.

At this point he’s not sure how much good I would derive from seeing a rheumatologist. He was hoping to have a firmer diagnosis for me, but in his words, he feels he’s “going to have to punt” and call it fibromyalgia.

Fuck, that was encouraging.

I talked to him about my headaches again, and I now have a new medication added to my regimine. I don’t think he quite understood before the frequency with which I get them (at least once a week, often more). He wants me to take a picture of my eye the next time one of my infamous cluster headaches centers in it. Then I need to go to his office. He wanted to know if I’ve ever seen a neurologist or had a CAT scan (the answers are no and no). I don’t feel nervous about any of this. Not at all…

Also, since I continue to have acid reflux in spite of the Zantac, I have another new med.  I’m up to six now. YAY!

He asked me how things were going on the Celexa. Well, here’s the thing: I know the Celexa has definitely helped reduce the incidence of passive suicidal ideation for me. There have been some odd things going on, though. I find myself being overly sensitive and weepy at times–this is not normal for me, and all I can do is humbly apologize to anyone who’s been on the receiving end of it.

Under normal conditions I tend to have a pretty thick skin. So, now doc wants me to see a psychiatrist. He thinks I might have Bipolar Disorder. He says Celexa can have this kind of affect on people with BPD, and I do have at least one close family member who’s been diagnosed with it.

I called the mental health services number when I got home. Apparently, the way these things work in good ol’ Arizona is like this: You call the clinic at 8:00 AM. If they have an appointment available you go in that day. If not, you call back the next day. Rinse. Repeat.

This shit just gets better and better.


13 thoughts on “At least my head isn’t Yoda shaped.

  1. God, it just sounds like you’re having a bundle of fun on your end. At least you’re making progress, though. Got my fingers and toes crossed for you that something comes of all of the shenanigans – hopefully answers!


  2. Holy fucking shit, what a bum rap. 😦 If you need someone to talk to – in a totally nonprofessional capacity – about the bipolar, hit me up. I have that and borderline.


  3. Can’t do the Bi-Polar, but if you want to talk depression, I’m right there going through it with you and the PSI.
    If you want to talk, PM me.

    HUGS 🙂


        • Well, I ran away from the internetz. Long story short: I was getting more and more emotional, and I was dissociating quite a bit. I was afraid. I also feared going off on people who didn’t deserve it and completely alienating them. So, first I stopped being on the internet at all. Then I came back and posted a lot of crap about my childhood in an attempt to get it all out of my head. I just wanted to be normal. I still stayed away from other people’s blogs for the most part because I didn’t trust myself.


          I can’t defend my behavior, really. I tried. It just made me feel worse and worse until I started thinking that I was right in the first place and everyone would be better off without me. And now I’m here…


          • Well, although we’ve only just met and we barely know each other, I feel like we might have been good neighbours if we weren’t so geographically challenged. You and your family seem like the kinds of people I’d want to hang out with.

            You know, I have made some pretty awful mistakes and decisions in my time too (well, a lot of them), and I’ve destroyed friendships because of what I go through (hell, I nearly destroyed my marriage last year). So, yeah, when you talk about everything you manage to overcome on a day-to-day basis then all I can do is want to cheer you on. It give me hope that I might find a way to deal with this shit too.

            Really, that’s all I’ve ever wanted from anyone else. Not sympathy. Not fear. Not disgust. Just a wee bit of understanding, and to cheer me on when I get too much for even myself to handle.

            The fact that you know you can’t defend your behaviour makes you kind of an honest person. Even if you don’t always act according to that honesty, at least you haven’t shut your eyes to it. This is our truth and we need to find a way to make space for that. Whatever that means.


          • I was telling Tom about some of my new online friends, and when I got to you and yours I told him: “If they weren’t so far away we would be having cookouts with them and taking trips to Rocky Point together.”


            Also, This:

            “Really, that’s all I’ve ever wanted from anyone else. Not sympathy. Not fear. Not disgust. Just a wee bit of understanding, and to cheer me on when I get too much for even myself to handle.”

            So much this.

            Liked by 1 person

Lay it on me.

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