I’ve talked a lot about depression and lack of sleep, but I haven’t said a whole lot about fibro. The reason for that is that my pain had not been so bad after that first week on the meds. I still had some pain in my back and neck, but that has become almost like “background noise” to me. I just plain don’t remember what it’s like not to have pain there. I had a migraine about two weeks ago, and I’ve had to head off (no pun intended) random cluster headaches, but my joints were strangely good… until now.
Damn, I hurt. It started in my right knee, but now all of my joints are acting up. The tops of my hands hurt. My neck is especially bad, and I’ve been fighting a headache, but it is fighting back. I think it’s winning. On top of all this I feel as if my blood pressure has gone lower. I have no actual evidence for this; I just don’t feel right. My skin feels all clammy and deadened. But you wanna know what’s really got me in a snarl right now?
I AM SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP, DAMN IT.
I’ve been getting by on 3-4 hours of sleep a night for, like, EVER.
Ok, fine. NOT forever, but long enough that I got used to the idea that I might not get much sleep, but I would at least get THAT much. I fall asleep around 9 PM. I wake up around 1 AM. WHO CHANGED THE PROGRAM?
Seriously. What the hell?
I did what I always do: I lay down with my daughter and read her a story and then I closed my eyes. But, it hurt to lie on my right side, so I turned to my left. That hurt, too, so I tried lying on my back. That was no good, so I tried my side again. It doesn’t matter what position I’m in, the pressure of the mattress on my joints, on my back is too much. Even with my special memory foam pillow thing that’s supposed to be designed for side sleepers my neck feels unsupported and painful. And some asshole keeps trying to scoop out my right eyeball with a spoon.
I want to rage and kick and scream, but I don’t have the energy. I would cry, but there isn’t a cloud in the sky.
It’s 10:27 PM.