I know that I hit bottom in terms of my depression months ago. I have abdicated virtually all responsibility, and I rarely venture outside my home. I don’t shower often enough. Basically, I’m just passively waiting around to die, and it needs to stop. It’s one thing to hit the bottom and another thing to stay down there indefinitely.
I have a plan (or at least the beginning of one).
- Start with me. If I can only accomplish one thing every day, then that thing needs to be taking care of my own body and hygiene. Every. Single. Day.
- Take care of my personal space: Create a list of daily household chores. My place is small and taking care of it should be easy. I need to make a commitment to do a little bit each day to ensure that my home is clean and uncluttered.
- Take a walk. Get some much needed sun and excercise.
- Do something creative. Write, draw, sing, mold playdough — whatever. Once a day. Every. Single. Day.
- Stop dancing around the past. I spent the first 20 years of my life being abused and then agreeing to the revised version of history perpetuated by my abusers. I spent the next 20+ years in self-imposed exile because I refused to tow the party line. I need to deal with my past in a more concrete way.
That last one is a tricky one. I feel like I need to start small. I need to do it on my own terms.
This blog is as good a place as any to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me, FSM. I’ll try to write one story a week, but I’m not going to make it a hard and fast rule for myself. It’s a little frightening because I risk revealing my identity to people by whom I would rather not be identified. C’est la vie. I’m tired of hiding. (I do realize that other people may find triggers in my stories, so I will make sure to use a TRIGGER WARNING tag in the subject line of those particular posts.)
Oh, and there should be one more bullet point up there:
- Forgive myself. It’s OK if I don’t accomplish everything on my list Every. Single. Day.